Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Rules of the Universe
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative at
the same time.
2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often!
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a
garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
6. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)
7. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built
the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
8. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
9. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
10. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
11. Eat well, stay fit, and die anyway.
12. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. Embrace your
differences. Love each other.
13. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
14. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
15. Opportunities always look bigger after they have passed.
16. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.
17. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
18. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake
when you make it again.
19. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
20. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
21. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
22. It isn't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
23. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'
24. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.
25. You should not confuse your career with your life.
26. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
27. Never lick a steak knife.
28. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
29. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.
30. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
from her at that moment.
31. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside,
We ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
32. Your friends love you anyway.
33. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are ?
at 2:41 PM
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
Torture can more accurately be defined as being forced to jump 1,000 feet or more to your death to avoid being burned alive.
Torture can more accurately be defined as the 60 seconds or so of sheer terror grasping your seat as your airliner plunges head-first to the ground with a muslim freedom fighter at the controls
Torture can more accurately be defined as having to listen to the piercing noise of a 100 story tower crumbling on you from above you as you and your fellow patriots try to save civilian victims of terror
Torture can more accurately be defined as desperately trying to call your loved ones for a final goodbye as you see the pentagon full of thousands of patriots innocently doing their jobs growing larger in front of your airplane
Torture, my friend, is having to read and listen to the ratings of folks like you who's most significant contribution to our society was probably nothing more than casting an uninformed vote.
Torture can also more accurately be defined as being in a nice, warm, comfortable place looking forward to getting your first glimpse of your loving mother, who's warm voice has nurtured you for months on end of being jostled, poked and poked on, only to suddenly feel the excruciating pain of your skull being crushed and your brain matter being sucked from it in order to prevent being an inconvenience to someone who very likely voted for Barak Obama.
at 5:56 PM
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Astronomers hope new images of the Sun will offer an insight into why there is so little activity on our closest star.
at 3:13 PM
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
at 3:53 PM
Monday, April 20, 2009
at 2:33 PM
Sunday, April 19, 2009
objection to liquor.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket
launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry
explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses
other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man
should own at least two.
10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's
at 1:02 PM